


I Know Now

by ssa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-09-14
Updated: 2002-09-14
Packaged: 2017-11-01 05:33:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/352542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_archivist/pseuds/ssa_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark didn't know what betrayal could do to a person.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Know Now

## I Know Now

by Ruby

<http://www.geocities.com/rubyswritings/>

* * *

Title: I Know Now  
Author: Ruby   
E-mail: rubysslash@prodigy.net   
Website: <http://www.geocities.com/rubyswritings> Disclaimer: They're not mine. I've tried begging and pleading, then threatening but The WB is a tough nut to crack. They just won't give `em up. Archive: Sure just let me know where.  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Category: Drama  
Rating: G   
Spoilers: Here and there.  
Summary: Clark didn't know what betrayal could do to a person. Warning: Serious angst. Not a happy fic. Feedback: Is like the air that I breathe. 

* * *

Did you know that you can fight tears for so long that they're cold by the time they fall? I didn't but... I know now. 

God I fought so hard not to cry. I really did. But sitting in the library with Lex sounding like a stranger, I knew it was a fight I'd lose before the first cold tear landed on my hands. I couldn't breathe, couldn't talk, couldn't say _I'm sorry_. I could only perch on the edge of the couch and stare at my hands, hands that were supposed to help people but somehow always manage to hurt. 

They hurt the town when I arrived all those years ago and haven't really stopped. They... _I_ hurt people, hurt them as I saved them. Even Lex, especially Lex. Forcing life and lies into him in the same breath. "If you hit me, I'd be dead." 

I tried to justify it later. Telling myself that it wasn't really a lie since I didn't know the truth either. Well... I know now. 

With a parents confession I learned why I am, but not why I'm here. I learned that the attention of a high school cheerleader can be painfully sweet and the attention of a high school football player can be painfully cruel. But I also learned that the concern of a new friend could be excruciatingly tender, and wholly addictive. 

I learned a lot, discovered a lot. I discovered that with the aid of a beautiful green stone people are willing to kill, kill for revenge or acceptance, kill out of desperation or greed. I discovered that the same stone, along with an angry boy, and an angry storm could turn me human. Then I discovered that being human could hurt but becoming alien again could hurt worse. 

I discovered a lot, realized a lot. I realized that a new friend could easily become a best friend. I realized just how quickly concern and curiosity could turn into desire and need. I realized that sometimes feelings are returned and welcomed even as they're feared and denied. And that maybe I wasn't as different or alone as I originally thought. 

I came to a lot of realizations, realizations that made me understand. Understand about life and death, and pain and pleasure, and love and... loss. The eager loss of innocence with a single touch and the wrenching loss of trust with a single ill-timed visit. 

I can still see it, I can't _stop_ seeing it. Lifting the truck up for my Dad just like I'd done a dozen times. The only difference this time was that after I put it down and turned to leave I found myself staring into the eyes of my best friend. I froze, felt everything go completely numb inside at the look on his face. Shock, betrayal, and the soul-deep knowledge that I was the same as everybody else. I had lied and in doing so, I had lost. 

I lost my best friend, the only person that made me feel like I wasn't completely alone in the world. I watched him slip away even as I followed him back to the castle, watched him build walls to keep me out even as he opened the library door to let me in. He stood ridged as I sat in ruin. I fought and lost the war against tears as soon as he fought and won the war against silence. 

"I trusted you." 

Words that held nothing but hate and promised nothing but vengeance. And until that moment I truly hadn't known what hurt and betrayal could do to a person but... I know now. 


End file.
